Not many people are thrilled to get a phone call from the FBI. Few are excited to learn they’ve landed themselves in the middle of an investigation. Still fewer yet when they’re told of an eminent visit by an FBI agent to discuss that same investigation.
Even good, honest people were anxious when I showed up on their doorstep with my FBI badge in hand. It could get tricky in these situations because I needed their cooperation. They had information I needed about the subject of my investigation.
I was a counterintelligence and espionage agent, and the people I contacted knew the foreign spy through social or business activities. My first step was to enlist their cooperation. The next step was collaboration. The goal was to move from gathering information to a collaborative effort where we would work as a team to determine whether the FBI could recruit the foreign spy to work for the US government.
While the chances of crossing paths with a foreign spy are minimal, you will encounter bosses, clients and family members from whom you will need to elicit cooperation if you want to move forward in business and life.
Here are four effective ways to gain the cooperation of others:
1. Determine whether friend or foe
Research has shown that in every social situation, our brains are wired to assess the other person’s intentions instantly. It’s automatic and so quick that often, we’re unaware of the judgments we’re making. Facial expressions usually cough up the first clue to assist in making those assessments, while both verbal and nonverbal cues offer additional judgments.
This research provides insight into how the brain reads the intentions of other human beings in a social context. Bottom line: the sooner we speak of a shared interest that benefits all parties, the better our chances of success.
The keyword is sooner.
Since our emotional limbic brain system is survival-driven, its purpose is to keep us safe by warning us of potential threats in our environment. It doesn’t care if the person in front of us is a new team member or a new client.
Without positive information about that individual, the limbic brain system warns you to distrust that person. This happens subconsciously before you have time to think about it.
This is why you must move quickly when you want to get others to cooperate with you so you, and to alleviate the innate instinct to react negatively.
How to make it work for you:
Engage in small talk at first. It might seem like a waste of valuable time, but the brain is looking for clues about the person in front of you, and conversation is the best way to notice facial expressions and other non-verbal cues, as well as language and tone of voice.
At workshops, use icebreakers so people can get to know one another, especially if they’re meeting for the first time.
2. Mirror positivity
Research by Giacomo Rizzolatti discovered that mirror neurons in our brain light up when we see another person reflect an emotion we are expressing. For example, when we see someone smile in delight, our mirror neurons light up, and we smile back. Our brain likes to share the emotion of the person in front of us. This is why facial expressions are important when we want to get others to cooperate with us. When we see someone experience an emotion, it activates the same circuits in our brain.
If you want a positive response, show positivity to the other person. Their mirror neurons will register your emotion, and their automatic limbic brain response will echo your attitude.
Remember, the flight emotional response is always the easiest to arouse, so be careful in what you say and how you say it if you want the other person to get others to cooperate with you.
How to make it work for you: Practice in front of a mirror or video yourself when in conversation. Do you frown, show teeth when you smile or remain close-lipped? Take note of your facial expressions in various conversations to understand better how you come across to others.
3. Share personal stories
Sharing our personal stories is important because stories activate the mirror neurons and deepen our connection with people. These will increase the likelihood of meaningful cooperation and collaboration, but people with good social connections do better at planning, thinking and regulating emotions.
When we tell stories that have helped us shape our thinking and way of life, we can have the same effect on others, too. According to neuroscientist Uri Hasson at Princeton University, the brains of the person telling a story and those listening to it can synchronize. Not only are the same language processing parts of the brain activated, but the same emotional parts as well. We can plant ideas, thoughts and emotions in the brain of the listener.
How to make it work for you: Think back to an incident that impacted you. Turn it into a story where you can share what you felt and how it positively influenced your thinking. It doesn’t need to be long, but it does need to come from the heart.
4. Clarify goals and roles
To gain the cooperation I needed with the people I interviewed, I needed to be clear about my motives, expectations and goals. Good communication skills were critical, so everyone understood their role and responsibilities.
Good communication is also the best way to build trust. People needed to trust me before we could move to the next step. They needed to be inspired by a common goal and this only happens in a trusting environment where there is an alignment of goals.
How to make it work for you: Practice active listening by engaging in a respectful dialogue with a problematic person. The goal is not to win the argument but to remain focused on your goal (a polite conversation) and develop a bond of trust.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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