Schools are opening their doors to a new year, and educators are nervous about facing challenging parents. These emotions are valid when you consider the perceptions people carry with them and how protective parents can be of their children. Let’s consider such challenges and a simple trick I learned that is effective with the most challenging parents.
I was standing in the hallway talking to a teacher when I heard yelling from an adult near the front entrance. I looked over and saw a parent berating my school nurse. It was the height of the pandemic, and schools were vacillating between students in school and sheltering them at home. The parent was angry that her child had to be sent home and tested for COVID-19, and my nurse was the victim of her rage. I swiftly moved in their direction and could see my nurse crying. My instincts kicked in: I sent the nurse back to the office and the parent to my office.
The parent strongly opposed COVID requirements and viewed the school as responsible. Her child displayed multiple signs of COVID and had to be tested or remain home. I explained this to her. She replied that her child would not have a swab shoved up their nose, that they’ll take the entire two weeks out of school and that “you will be responsible for helping him catch up!”
Collaborate instead of argue
While political polarization permeates schools, kids always lose these battles. If the only way I could get this parent into neutral was to show compassion and care for her child, it was worth a try. I agreed with her demand that I be responsible for helping him when he returns. “Absolutely, we’ll do whatever it takes to catch him up, and I will make sure the teachers work with him to support his learning.” This is a stumbling block for a difficult person who is more interested in the argument than the bigger picture, paralyzing their cause.
Parents come from diverse perspectives. Most trust educators and support our efforts to guide their child. You see this everywhere. Ninety percent of people are kind, understanding and cooperative. Yet there is that sticky 10%. You know who they are. They make the teller at Target cry. They insult the waiter at the restaurant. They cut you off, then use hand motions in traffic. And they argue politics in school settings.
A quarter of a century in school leadership has taught me a few tricks. One of the most powerful is a simple, yet remarkably effective strategy that, ego aside, works wonders when dealing with difficult people and parents. First, understand that most difficult parents do care deeply about their child. That is a common ground we share with them. Seize on this to leverage better collaboration.
Your kid, my kid
When an upset parent approaches you, it’s natural to be defensive, but this is the least effective way to get them on your side. Instead, listen carefully without interrupting and acknowledge their concern. This isn’t about agreeing with them, but showing you accept their feelings. Then, here’s where I most often close the deal.
Make a deliberate statement, “I know that she is your child. However, I am going to be selfish for a moment. When she is at my school, she is my child, and I will treat her as my own.” This statement tugs on every parent’s heartstrings in a way that much more labor-intensive and often unproductive arguments do not. It builds trust and shows the parent you genuinely care about their child’s well-being, shifting the dynamic from a defensive argument to a neutral place. This approach helps you work together to support the child and saves valuable time and energy that would otherwise be spent on exasperating arguments.
Having used this strategy hundreds of times, I can sincerely say that it works almost every time. Not always, but almost always. That’s a lot more effective than arguing back. Certainly, there are parents who will continue to challenge and antagonize you. Among those hundreds, I can only count a handful that have. This enlists their willingness not just in the moment, but long term. That’s an investment in their child.
In the brief, heated moment described, I acknowledged that I would do everything I could to help her child catch up, because I cared. I never heard from this parent again, which is better than having to re-engage her. Her son returned to school two weeks later, and I had prepped his teachers to help him catch up. We did, and the child did not lose. That was his victory. That was our victory.
There’s more power in persuasion than push
Remembering that setting my pride aside helps me focus on helping children, I prefer this more influential and neutralized approach. I have had moments when a parent got to me; I am human. I held on to that for too long. Nothing positive was achieved. I was glad to learn this tactic, and if you can set aside your pride to try it out, you will enjoy the same long-term victories for children in your school. That’s more important than my pride.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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