The stakes have been raised in the game of seatmate roulette. Living in a nation where the population is polarized, the risk boarding an airplane isn’t just how we’re all going to fit, shoulder-to-shoulder in maximized-for-profit economy seating. No, the gamble we take is on the views of the person next to you, if they are going to come out during your cross-country flight and how you are going to respond.
I was recently on a flight to NYC from San Francisco. Blue city to blue city, I had hope that the two people who’d be in my row next to me wouldn’t make snarky comments as I openly read mainstream media like The Washington Post or The New York Times on my iPad.
I had the aisle seat and enough status that I got to sit down first. Next came a woman who appeared to be in her mid-late 60s wearing a put together summer sweater set and a bob. Her vibe read Mid-Atlantic or Connecticut empty nester mom. We made small talk. She lives in rural eastern Pennsylvania, is a new grandmother and had spent the past few weeks in San Francisco helping care for her newborn grandson.
Shortly after her came a woman in her early 70s who is a semi-retired schoolteacher in Sonoma, north of San Francisco. Her energy read California Boomer with Hippie in her past. She shared that she was headed to New York to participate in a retreat.
We didn’t talk too much at first, aside from helping facilitate requests with the flight attendants as the carts came down the aisle. But somewhere over the middle of the country, I was reading an article headlined with the latest turn of events in the presidential election.
And that’s when the new grandmother in the middle seat cleared her throat, pointed toward the headline on my iPad and began to speak her mind…
We’ve all been there. Whether it’s a stranger in a store or restaurant, a family member at Thanksgiving, or the person sitting next to you on a plane. Something contentious gets said and we’re not sure where the conversation is going to go next.
Here are 3 tips to help you navigate this rough airspace successfully (and it applies to any difficult conversation you may find yourself in on the ground or in the air)…
- Take a curious breath – Neuroscientists have found a gap between when we receive stimulus (someone saying something) and when we react. Getting into that space and expanding it means we have the opportunity to decide how we will ‘respond’ rather than react. To help create that space, I guide people in taking a big, deep curious breath. The type that expands your lungs till they push against your rib cage. Allow that fresh air to help your mind clear, creating the space for you to decide how to respond.
- Be honest about what you hope to achieve – When you are about to engage with someone, ask yourself what you hope the outcome will be. If you are responding to someone, it may be to divert the conversation to an alternate topic. You might seek to persuade them to your point of view. Or you may decide you just want to learn more about their perspective without getting into it or sharing too much about yourself. This is your decision. The clearer you are with your intention, the better the conversation will be.
- Stay open to understanding – The 5 Steps to Empathy will be helpful here as you navigate the bumps. Dismantle judgment, ask good questions, actively listen, integrate into understanding and use solution imagination. Each of these steps will help you reach cognitive empathy with the person you are talking to. That understanding of the other person’s point of view will help you decide the next words you say as you move the conversation toward the outcome you are looking for.
In these situations, keep in mind that face-to-face discussions tend to be less hostile because they are in person. The Online Disinhibition Effect outlined by John Suler in 2004 is real and there isn’t dissociative anonymity to reduce our inhibitions. Particularly when we are sitting next to someone.
I was fortunate during this flight when my seatmate started up the political discussion. I started by taking the curious breath, set an intention of learning more about her position on the issue brought up in the article and then asked her a clarifying question. While the 3 of us didn’t fully see eye to eye, we generally had similar perspectives which made it a pleasant enough conversation that passed without incident.
Engaging in conversation is a decision and it takes a little bit of courage to make the choice to seek understanding where other people are coming from.
Without that understanding, how can we come together to collaborate, make decisions and solve problems? Without it, we will remain on a turbulent flight path with the “fasten seatbelt” sign always on. I’m confident none of us are seeking that experience.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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