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3 reasons happiness is the wrong destination

"The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness," Eric Hoffer says. LaRae Quy explains why.

7 min read

InspirationLeadership

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I grew up on a remote Wyoming cattle ranch learning how to navigate sagebrush, rattlesnakes and corrals full of fresh cow pies. The best shoes for that rough environment were Red Wing lace-up, high-top boots. They weren’t much of a fashion statement for a 9-year-old girl; I thought I could die happy if only I had a pair of the white sneakers that city kids wore. 

Years later, with several pairs of white sneakers in my closet, I thought a job in fashion would make me happy. After that, my ticket to happiness would include an exciting career, a little house in a good neighborhood and a loving husband. 

It took a while, but as I matured I realized that happiness was not the point. And if I continued to make it the point, then I’d never be happy because there would always be a black hole with these words hovering over it: “If only …” 

The black hole could never be filled because there will always be something else, just beyond our grasp, that makes us think, “If only I had — more money, expensive toys, professional success, a loving partner — my life would be happy and complete.”

The more we work to attain happiness, the higher expectations we set and the more likely our expectations will miss the mark. When we miss them, we end up more disappointed and dissatisfied. The more we want to be happy, the less happy we become.

The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness. Eric Hoffer

Bookshelves are sagging under the weight of books and programs guaranteed to make us happy, and universities are raking in fees for happiness classes. It doesn’t take a genius to understand that certain things make us happier. But, again, that is not the point. The problem is that we’re asking the wrong questions about what makes life meaningful and full of joy. 

What is happiness?

The ancient Greeks had a special word for pursuing happy feelings: hedemonia. The relentless pursuit of pleasure is an enjoyable yet hedonistic way of life spent in the pursuit of feeling good yet deeply unsatisfying. 

The ancient Greeks also had a special word for flourishing: eudemonic. This is pursuing things that matter deep in our hearts, moving us in a direction that we consider worthy and infused with meaning and purpose. 

Everyone wants to feel good, and it makes sense to enjoy those moments when they occur. But social media and psychology hacks imply that we should try to have them all the time. 

Life is hard, and the sooner we come to terms with this, the sooner we can rise above the inevitable pain to build a rich and meaningful life.

Humans may resemble many other creatures in their striving for happiness, but the quest for meaning is a key part of what makes us human, and uniquely so. Roy Baumeister

Unlike happiness, meaning is not a fleeting state that drifts throughout the day; it’s a more comprehensive sense of purpose and feeling of contributing to something greater than yourself.

3 reasons happiness is the wrong goal in life

1. It isn’t keen on self-acceptance

Self-acceptance can be difficult because it means acknowledging our good and bad points, successes and failures, strengths and weaknesses — without judging ourselves.

It’s hard because acknowledging negative things can trigger painful thoughts and memories. Wearing Red Wing lace-up, high-top boots reminded me of the hillbilly that I was in my younger years. I was different — and not in a good way. It brings back painful memories, but I can also look at that 9-year-old girl compassionately. What is more important is how I overcame my circumstances and did not wallow in negativity.

In my mind, I reached out to that little girl and gave her the support and kindness she did not receive then. Yep, I was an awkward hillbilly with few social graces, but I reminded her of how that motivated me to overcome my shortcomings. She was an important building block on my path to becoming an FBI agent. Because of her, I knew what it felt like to be different from others so I could roll with the punches in a man’s world of law enforcement. 

How to make it work for you: If an old memory haunts you and threatens your self-acceptance, ask yourself:

  • Does this memory have something important to teach me?
  • Does it tell me what I care about most deeply?
  • What values does it remind me of?
  • What did I learn from the experience?

2. It mistakes goals for values

It’s important to distinguish between values and goals. A value is something we bring to our behavior. It guides how we treat others, the words we use and the actions we take. 

Goals are what we want to achieve in life. The two do not need to be mutually exclusive. We may have goals like a successful career, owning a big house and expensive car, and working out every day. They dictate our attitude and behavior toward ourselves and the world. 

We do not need to have a job that saves the world. Any job or activity can be more meaningful and fulfilling if it’s motivated by our values. We need to remember this when we’re faced with dull, tedious and boring tasks because they can make us unhappy. Instead, focus on meaning — finding meaningful activities and building meaningful relationships. If you nail those two, happiness takes care of itself.

How to make it work for you: Pick an area of life you want to improve (work, health, relationships, etc). Consider what values you will need to make it happen.

3. It skirts the edge of joy

Joy should not be a synonym for happiness. Joy is deeper and more enduring than happiness. While happiness tends to be based on external circumstances and is often fleeting, joy comes from within. Since it can coexist with other emotions, it can be found even in difficult situations. It doesn’t need everything to be perfect.

Although the neurobiology of joy is complex, a few neurotransmitters stand out in promoting positive feelings: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins. We can actually do things in life that can increase these neurotransmitter levels. For example, running may produce a runner’s high, while spending time with a puppy releases oxytocin, the hormone that makes you feel connected.

Joy is linked to purpose and connects to our deeper sense of meaning. It’s been said that happiness is based on circumstances while joy is based on purpose. 

Joy connects to one’s core values and can provide strength and meaning even during difficulties. While both joy and happiness are positive experiences, joy is considered more profound and important for overall well-being and fulfillment.

How to make it work for you: Dedicate yourself to others. Activities such as volunteering produce greater joy than focusing on oneself.

Connect with your spiritual side. When we join with something larger than ourselves, we develop feelings of gratitude, compassion and peace. Meditation is a powerful way to modify brain pathways to increase joy.

Discover something new. Humans are hardwired to experience joy when experiencing novelty. Developing a new pursuit can help us refocus our energy.

Moments of happiness come indirectly from living a fulfilling life rather than from trying to be happy all the time. Focusing on self-acceptance, values and joy leads to greater well-being in the long run.

 

Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own. 

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