Not long into a new job, my company sent me to a large trade show to build connections. A day of cold conversations with total strangers is my idea of torture as a lifelong introvert.
By early afternoon, I was struggling to stay motivated and engaged. To reward myself for my efforts, after each interaction with a stranger, I let myself check email on my phone. This was both a welcome break from the networking and a chance to appear purposefully busy. I remember thinking, “If I look like I’m taking care of important business, people won’t realize how awkward I really am.”
Four or five conversations later, I was out of email — but that didn’t stop me from staring blankly at my phone as I walked around the convention hall, hoping I gave off an air of importance. Until I walked straight into a pop-up display, bringing it and myself to the floor in a very noticeable, very awkward crumble.
How do I feel about networking? I can feel the color rising in my cheeks just considering the question. Maybe you feel the same way.
Sixteen years have passed since that tumble into someone’s booth signage. Over those years, I’ve had to build my networking skills because socializing in work contexts is part of how the work gets done. Cocktail hours, client dinners, conference coffee breaks and after-work mixers are great ways to meet new clients, reconnect with old ones and build the kind of warm, professional relationships my business is built on. But that doesn’t make it easy.
Four strategies for making networking less torturous
In the intervening years, I’ve stumbled on four strategies that help make networking less torturous for me. The first few minutes of any social engagement can still be a challenge, but these approaches help me ease into networking faster and often help make it productive.
Find a battle buddy
For soldiers, a battle buddy is an assigned partner who watches out for you, creating accountability and ensuring mental health and safety. In networking, look for a battle buddy who can do the same.
My colleague Michelle is an extrovert who thrives in social settings. She’s also very understanding of my reticence and is more than happy to help me ease my way into networking events. We have an understanding that when I get overwhelmed, I can come stand near her and she’ll gently include me in her conversation. This is a much better strategy than pretending to look at my phone while walking into the nearest display.
Aim your strengths or set a goal
While walking up to strangers is a particular weakness of mine, I have other strengths in social settings. I’m good at noticing who might need to feel included and turning conversations toward them. I am easily fascinated and therefore can engage in conversation about almost any topic. My mind immediately draws connections between people and ideas, and that often helps me sustain a conversation.
Figure out what you’re good at and aim that strength at your networking opportunity.
Folks who are motivated by games or goals could use that to their advantage by setting a goal of talking to three new people, or meeting at least one other Chicago Bears fan, or introducing two people to each other.
Have a few really good questions at hand
If you have a few good opening questions in your back pocket, when you find yourself in line for hors d’oeuvres next to someone who appears friendly, you can launch a conversation with less trepidation.
Here are some starting places for a work event:
- What brought you to this event?
- What’s been keeping you busy lately — in a good way?
- What are you working on that you’re excited about right now?
- How did you get into the work you’re doing?
- What’s something you’ve learned recently that has changed how you think about your work?
- What kinds of people or ideas are you hoping to connect with here?
- What’s a challenge you’re thinking about these days?
- What do you wish more people understood about the work you do?
- What’s something you’re curious about right now?
- Who are you, beyond your work?
Be the most interested person in the room
Finally, once you’re in a conversation, don’t try to be the most interesting person in the room. Research shows we tend to like people who ask more questions — and people who ask follow-up questions are especially likable. Use the questions above to start the conversation, then lean in with a follow-up that goes deeper.
Instead of working hard to share your own ideas, be the most interested person in the room. Listen carefully to what your conversation partner is saying, and then ask a question about the feelings, values, meanings or priorities of their response.
Imagine you meet a doctor at a dinner party. You could ask a series of fact-based questions: Where do you work? What do you specialize in? Where did you study? Any siblings? Any pets? At the end of that conversation, you’d have a series of facts about the doctor but not much connection.
Author Charles Duhigg shared this example in a conversation with University of Chicago’s Nicholas Epley, a behavioral scientist. Duhigg says instead of asking that doctor where she practices medicine, ask what inspired her to go into medicine. That’s asking about her motivations, her values. One question will give you a fact, the other will give you a new understanding, and maybe a new friend.
Focus on earning understanding, not collecting facts, and you’re likely to feel more engaged in your small talk or networking.
Introversion is an asset
If 2026 me could go back to reassure 2010 me, I’d tell myself to take a deep breath. I felt like all eyes were on me, but they weren’t. (At least, not until I knocked over that display!) In fact, I probably wasn’t the only one feeling awkward, alone and wishing for a real conversation instead of fake smiles and small talk.
In the intervening years, I’ve learned that my introversion is a benefit in networking, if I let it be. By focusing on others, listening carefully and finding points of connection, I can turn superficial conversation into meaningful exchanges. Sometimes, I even leave the event feeling almost energized.
In fact, the four strategies above might be perfect for the extroverts in your life as well. They help us rely on each other and build stronger connections while at a networking event — a good outcome that often has the added benefit of appetizers and an open bar.