At a recent session with 60 leaders, I gave each participant a list of questions designed to help grow their self-awareness. They partnered with their colleagues and discussed the questions.
“Which question would be the most helpful to really know the truth about?” I asked. To my surprise, consensus built around a single question, #5 on the list: When have you seen me get in my own way?
When we get in our own way, we’re sabotaging our success. We’re seeing obstacles when an overpass has already been created. Often, it’s our thinking that is actively creating the obstacles.
The challenge with our sabotaging mindsets is that the way of thinking is so ingrained that we don’t even stop to question it. That ingrained thinking was to blame for one executive’s experience at a recent day of strategic planning. As the day ended, I could tell she was feeling disgruntled.
“I’ve spent the whole day hearing how I’m not doing enough,” the executive said when I asked about her concerns.
In reality, we’d spent the day planning for the future. But for this leader, each potential idea or initiative felt to her like an indictment of things she’d not yet accomplished. She was making it about her, rather than seeing the exercise as an exploration of the future. As a result, she felt defensive and was diminishing the overall energy in the room.
After years of leadership coaching, I see a pattern emerging in these sabotaging thoughts. Our contexts are different, but there are only a few ways we get in our own way.
I’ve identified 10 common traps and included reflection questions to help you recognize when you’ve fallen into each one.
10 traps in our thinking that get in our way
1. Avoidance
Putting off difficult conversations, decisions or tasks until they become bigger problems or missed opportunities.
Reflection question: What important conversation or task have I been putting off, and what story am I telling myself about why “now isn’t the right time”?
2. Making everything about us
Taking other people’s moods, decisions or feedback personally when it often has nothing to do with us at all.
Reflection question: Did I immediately assume I’d done something wrong? How else might I see this situation?
3. Perfectionism paralysis
Waiting for the “perfect” moment, plan or conditions instead of taking imperfect action that could lead to progress; endlessly tweaking something to make it perfect rather than risking criticism or a mistake.
Reflection question: What am I not starting because I’m waiting for the perfect moment? What do I keep tweaking instead of seeking feedback?
4. Catastrophic thinking
Imagining worst-case scenarios and letting fear of what might happen prevent us from trying things that could work out well.
Reflection question: What risks feel safe? What degree of uncertainty can I accept? What might go right?
5. Comparison trap
Measuring our behind-the-scenes reality against others’ highlight reels leads to unnecessary self-doubt and discouragement.
Reflection question: What is the fuller picture here?
6. All-or-nothing mindset
Believing that if we can’t do something completely, it’s not worth doing at all.
Reflection question: What partial solutions would still be beneficial? What’s worth trying because we’ll learn along the way?
7. Ruminating on past mistakes
Replaying failures or embarrassing moments instead of learning from them and moving forward.
Reflection question: What past mistake or embarrassing moment keeps replaying in my mind, and how is dwelling on it preventing me from taking action today?
8. Assuming we know what others think
Mind-reading and making decisions based on what we imagine others are thinking about us, often incorrectly.
Reflection question: What assumptions am I making here? How can I test these assumptions?
9. Staying in our comfort zone
Choosing familiar discomfort over the uncertainty that comes with growth and new opportunities; sticking with the devil you know.
Reflection question: What am I tolerating rather than leveraging? Where have I gotten so used to the rock in my shoe that I don’t even realize I can remove it?
10. “The way we’ve always done it” thinking
Relying on familiar patterns, even when the patterns no longer serve you well. Maintaining the status quo rather than working toward growth.
Reflection question: Where are we complacent? Where are we relying on old ideas?
Get out of your own way
Our patterns of self-sabotage often stem from our brain’s attempt to protect us, but they end up limiting our potential and keeping us stuck in cycles that don’t serve us well. They leave us tending our wounds and storing up worries, rather than inching toward progress or finding new ways to view a situation.
Don’t self-sabotage yourself. Instead, use the reflection questions and seek the support of trusted colleagues to get out of your own way.
Through reflection and listening to others, I’ve learned “assuming I know what others think” to be a common trap that gets in my way. When I fall into it, I withhold ideas I fear a client will think are too much or guess how my husband will respond and edit my own approach before I even bother to ask. Now that I’ve grown aware of my tendencies toward this pattern, I’m pausing myself more often to question my assumptions.
Your traps will look a little different than mine. But discovering and addressing your traps will open a door to possibilities you couldn’t see before.
If you’re feeling bold, share this list with a trusted colleague or mentor and ask them which trap they’ve observed in you. How are you getting in your own way? Sometimes others can see our patterns more clearly than we can.
Or ease into self-awareness by picking your top three traps and setting a phone reminder to ask yourself the reflection questions weekly. Small, consistent check-ins prevent these patterns from becoming obstacles in your life.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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