“I don’t feel like I truly belong,” the director told me in a coaching session.
After years of working in large organizations, he’d grown frustrated with the fast pace. A job search led him to a non-profit role on a smaller team, where he hoped for an easier pace and that the organization’s mission would make his work feel purposeful.
In some ways, it did. But in important other ways, the leader struggled to fit with his team and in this new context.
His efforts to engage with his colleagues left him feeling as if he were speaking a different language. They talked about stewardship and impact, while he was wondering about strategy and innovation. The director’s boss encouraged him to move his innovative ideas forward, but without the support of a big team, he struggled to make deadlines and manage details. Disappointed, the director’s boss had little positive feedback to offer.
After two years of feeling like a misfit, the director left the organization.
What does it mean to belong as a member of the team?
The director never felt he belonged or that his uniqueness was valued. His story is a cautionary tale — not just about culture fit, but about what happens when belonging and uniqueness are never established.
Belonging is the experience of being accepted, valued and included as a genuine member of a group — not despite who you are, but because of it. It’s not simply being present in a group, but feeling that your presence matters to the people around you.
To truly feel we fit in, belonging must be paired with uniqueness — that your unique distinctiveness is appreciated and your contributions are valued.
To understand this, it’s often helpful to reflect on your experiences in junior high or high school. No doubt you longed to be part of the group and made efforts to conform to the group’s expectations.
But back in junior high or high school, you no doubt relished your identity as a distinct individual. Perhaps you wanted to be the smart friend, the funny one or the sporty one. When your group appreciated the uniqueness you contributed, it felt good.
As adults, our desire for belonging and uniqueness hasn’t gone away. Imagine a marketing team member named Tammy is placed on a cross-functional team tasked with designing an employee engagement program. At the team’s first meeting, Tammy can’t help but notice something: she’s the lowest-ranking team member present.
At first, Tammy feels insecure. “Maybe I’m just here to listen and learn,” she wonders. “Or take notes?”
Then, the project’s advisor introduces her to the team. “Many of you may not have met Tammy yet, but she’s a rising star. We wanted her on this team to build relationships with you all, and to get her perspective as a Gen Z team member, since we need a solution that engages all generations in the workforce.”
Throughout the meeting, senior colleagues invited Tammy to speak. When Tammy offered an observation, team members nodded in appreciation; one leader asked a follow-up question, and Tammy was able to further clarify her thinking. Later, when the team broke into smaller committees, the leader sitting next to Tammy asked her to join his committee.
These small gestures – the thoughtful introduction that explained her role, the invitation to speak, the appreciation for her contribution and being selected to join a working group – all gave Tammy the sense of belonging and uniqueness she needed to feel at ease.
Imagine if the experience had been different—if she weren’t introduced and instead spent the whole meeting suspecting her teammates wondered why she was at the table. Tammy would have stayed silent rather than risk saying the wrong thing. No one would have recognized her insights. Her insecurity would have grown, and her contribution would have shrunk. Like the director who eventually left the non-profit, the sense of being a misfit might have thwarted her career trajectory.
4 ways to create belonging on your team
Helping each team member feel both a sense of belonging and uniqueness is part of creating psychological safety. Research shows psychological safety impacts learning, performance, engagement and even physical safety. When team members feel safe, like they belong and that they are distinctly valued, it can have an out-sized impact on their career path, as we see with Tammy, and it can prevent damaging interpersonal conflict that arises when people feel they’re not part of the in-group.
Here are four ways you can create belonging on your team, all while helping team members feel uniquely seen and appreciated for their distinct contributions.
1. Onboarding that introduces the person, not just the role
So often we introduce people by their titles. (“Meet Marcus, our data analyst.”) That’s a great start, but it doesn’t recognize Marcus as a whole person or clarify what unique contributions he might offer.
An alternative introduction might be, “Meet Marcus, our data analyst. I’ve asked him to create our shared files for this team, because he’s one of the most organized people I know, while still managing to keep his eye on the bigger picture.”
That intro takes 10 seconds longer but helps clarify his contribution to the team (belonging) and the unique capacities he brings (organized, big picture thinker).
2. Inviting in quiet voices
People stay silent in meetings for a variety of reasons. While team members like Tammy build their confidence for speaking up, you can make it easier by inviting them into the conversation.
When possible, give quieter folks time to prepare their thinking. “In a minute, I’m going to ask Tammy and Lyle for their thoughts, as they represent important perspectives we don’t want to miss. Before I turn it over to them, I do want to revisit the point Beth made earlier …”
3. Appreciation that names strengths, not just completed tasks.
Hearing “good job” is always nice, but it’s not instructive. What made your contribution valuable?
To help build a team member’s sense of belonging and uniqueness, name their specific strengths.
Instead of this: “Thanks for finishing the report.”
Say this: “Thanks for finishing the report, and especially the insightful work you did to tighten the language and make sure it aligned to our KPIs. You have an eye for detail and unified messaging. That was a significant contribution to our team.”
See how that helps build a sense of belonging while recognizing uniqueness?
4. Feedback that acknowledges the future
When corrective feedback is needed, be direct and clear and reassure the person that they still belong. A good way to do this is by framing the feedback as information they need for the future.
Here’s an example: “The event felt disorganized at points, which I know wasn’t your goal. I want to share some feedback so that as you plan future events here, you can keep these ideas in mind.”
Can you see the subtle message there? You’re still a valued part of the team; that’s why we care enough to share feedback.
What does your team need?
The director who left the non-profit, and Tammy, who found her footing — both stories hinge on the same variable: whether a leader took the time to make someone feel they mattered.
Belonging and uniqueness aren’t soft extras; they are the conditions under which people do their best work and stay committed to the team.
The good news is that the gestures required are small. A thoughtful introduction. An invitation to speak. Feedback that names a strength or points toward the future. These moments cost almost nothing — but for the person on the receiving end, they can change everything.
Before your next team meeting, take a moment to consider: who on your team might be waiting for one of those moments?
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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