If you’re a person with a chronic people-pleasing habit, you’ve probably heard all the standard advice: “Just be more assertive.” “Set better boundaries.” “Learn to say no.” And honestly? That advice has always felt incomplete to me and the thousands of clients I’ve helped over the last two decades.
Here’s what I’ve learned through my own journey and as a Master Certified Coach: you don’t need to become a jerk to stop people-pleasing at work. You just need to get better at tolerating the kind of discomfort that comes when you stop trying to manage everyone else’s emotions. Ooof….
Picture this: It’s Monday morning. You’re juggling three major projects when your colleague Sarah stops by. “Hey, I know you’re swamped, but could you help me with this presentation? You’re so good at this stuff.”
In that moment, your nervous system is scanning for threat: “What if Sarah thinks I’m not a team player? What if this affects my reputation? My raise?” Before you even process these thoughts consciously, you hear yourself saying, “Of course! I can squeeze it in tonight.”
Sound familiar?
What’s really happening when you people-please
Let’s be honest about what’s going on. Most people-pleasing at work isn’t about genuine generosity. It’s nervous system appeasement — habitual attempts to self-soothe by avoiding other people’s disappointment. This survival strategy once made sense, but now it’s exhausting you.
When you say yes to the fifth project outside your job description, when you smile through being interrupted, when you take the 7 a.m. call even though daycare doesn’t open until 7:15, it feels like you’re being collaborative. But what you’re really doing is outsourcing your self-worth to how others perceive you.
I used to be the queen of workplace people-pleasing. I’d stay late helping colleagues, take notes in every meeting even when it wasn’t my job and volunteer for committees nobody wanted. I told myself I was being helpful, building relationships. But the truth? I was terrified of being seen as difficult, excluded from the inner circle or being the one people complained about.
The psychological roots run deep. Many of us, especially women, were trained to equate being liked with being safe. “Be nice.” “Don’t rock the boat.” “Good girls don’t cause trouble.” These weren’t just social niceties – they were survival instructions. And they follow us into conference rooms and performance reviews.
The career cost of people-pleasing
Take my client Caroline, a marketing director who felt stuck despite being incredibly talented. She was constantly overwhelmed, working nights and weekends, but never getting recognition. Caroline had become the unofficial Office Mom — the one people came to for help, coverage, a sympathetic ear.
But here’s the problem: being indispensable in the wrong ways can make you invisible in the right ways. While Caroline managed everyone else’s workload and emotions, her strategic contributions got lost. She was so focused on being helpful that she wasn’t being strategic about her career.
Sometimes being too helpful signals that you’re support staff, not leadership material.
The real solution: Building discomfort tolerance
Here’s the shift I want you to make: instead of focusing on being less “nice,” focus on building your tolerance for the internal discomfort that comes when you’re not universally likable.
The reason you say yes when you want to say no isn’t because you’re too nice; it’s because you’re too polite. It’s because the discomfort of potentially disappointing someone feels unbearable. The thought of someone thinking you’re selfish triggers your nervous system’s alarm bells.
The work isn’t about becoming mean. It’s about learning to tolerate that discomfort without immediately moving to fix it.
Start here: One simple phrase
The next time someone asks you to take on something misaligned with your priorities, practice saying: “Let me think about that and get back to you.”
That’s it. You don’t need to explain why. Just buy yourself space and time.
Then breathe through the discomfort that bubbles up. Your nervous system will sound alarms, telling you you’re being rude. But that discomfort isn’t a sign you’ve done something wrong — it’s a sign you’re no longer abandoning yourself.
Build this tolerance by:
- Starting small with low-stakes situations
- Noticing physical sensations when the urge to people-please hits
- Practicing self-compassion as you rewire decades-old patterns
- Connecting with your “why” — what becomes possible when you stop managing everyone else’s emotions?
Discomfort vs. conflict: They’re not the same
Learning to tolerate discomfort doesn’t mean seeking out conflict; it means learning to manage it effectively. Conflict is external — a disagreement between people. Discomfort is internal — the feeling when you’re worried about others’ perceptions.
You can avoid unnecessary conflict while still tolerating the discomfort of not being universally liked. In fact, willingness to sit with discomfort often prevents conflict because you’re not building resentment from constantly sacrificing your needs.
When your boss asks you to take on another project but you’re at capacity, instead of immediately saying yes (and resenting it later), try: “I want to give this the attention it deserves. Let me review my current workload and see how we can make this work.”
You’re not creating conflict. You’re being professional about your capacity.
The transformation is real
I had another client, Jennifer, a project manager burning out from 60-hour weeks. She was terrified to say no, thinking it would damage her reputation. We worked on helping her tolerate the discomfort of not being the “yes” person.
Initially, she’d lie awake worrying about what people thought. But slowly, something shifted. When she said no to misaligned requests, she had more energy for projects that mattered. Her work quality improved. She contributed more strategically, rather than just agreeing with everything.
Her reputation actually improved. People saw her as more thoughtful and leadership-ready.
From compulsive to chosen
There’s a difference between helping because you genuinely want to contribute and helping because you’re afraid of what happens if you don’t. When you help from choice rather than compulsion, your contributions are more valuable.
Ask yourself:
- Am I helping because I want to contribute, or because I’m afraid of not doing so?
- Is this sustainable for me?
- Am I helping from my strengths, or just doing whatever needs to be done?
- Do I have boundaries around my helping?
Breaking the imposter syndrome connection
Here’s something crucial: when you’re constantly people-pleasing, you’re not showing up authentically. You’re showing up as the version you think others want to see. And when you’re not being authentic, it’s easy to feel like a fraud.
If you’re always saying yes when you want to say no, or always agreeing when you have different opinions, people never get to see who you really are. And if they don’t know the real you, how can you trust that they actually value you?
Breaking this cycle requires tolerating the discomfort of being seen as you really are, flaws and all. The people who matter will like the real you. The people who don’t weren’t really your people anyway.
Your discomfort isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign you’re growing, stepping outside your comfort zone, choosing courage over comfort.
What’s one small step you can take this week to practice tolerating discomfort instead of immediately people-pleasing? Start with low-stakes situations, but start somewhere.
Remember: you’re not responsible for managing other people’s emotions or making everyone comfortable. You’re only responsible for showing up authentically and treating people with respect.
Every time you choose discomfort over abandoning yourself, you’re building the muscle to show up as your authentic self. And that’s not just good for you — it’s good for everyone around you, because authenticity gives others permission to do the same.
You’re worthy of love and acceptance exactly as you are.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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