Every big problem in an organization can be traced back to a conversation that should have happened but didn’t. If you listed all the avoided conversations in the scope of a year, you’d likely see a correlation between avoidance and escalation. While initiating conversations sounds simple, starting conversations at the wrong time can escalate problems. While important conversations should never be avoided altogether, this article highlights three situations when it’s more strategic to delay a conversation.
1. When you’re angry
If anger is anything, it’s misunderstood and misused. I don’t know about you, but when I’m angry is when I’m most motivated to “tell it like it is.” Even though anger creates a sense of urgency, it’s usually the worst time to act. When you’re angry, the executive function of your brain (pre-frontal cortex) shuts down, and decision-making suffers. When angry, the primal brain takes center stage and is mostly concerned with survival, winning and being right, not about collaboration or course correction.
What not to do: Don’t believe everything you think when you’re angry, and don’t make the mistake of interpreting anger as a signal to take quick action. Don’t shoot from the hip, but at the same time, don’t avoid the conversation just because you’re afraid of your own anger.
What to do instead: Calm down. Sleep on it and do some preparation. Delay the conversation until you can let go of assumptions and clearly articulate the facts. The paradox is that once you calm down, it’s easy to fool yourself into thinking that everything is OK. Remind yourself that, even though you’re over it, your anger signals a problem; something needs to be addressed at the appropriate time, not something to brush over.
2. When they’re emotional
When it comes to managing conflict, timing is everything. Many leaders avoid conversations because they don’t want to be on the receiving end of someone’s anger or defensiveness. Others are afraid they might make someone cry. When they’re emotional, you aren’t going to be able to facilitate positive change.
What not to do: Don’t try to coach a dysregulated person; they can’t hear you. During difficult situations, if you see defensiveness, intense sadness, or anger, take a breath. Don’t take on their emotion, and don’t walk on eggshells. Recognize that their emotions, feelings and interpretations belong to them, not you. You don’t need to overcompensate; make promises you can’t keep or give insincere compliments to manipulate them. Don’t avoid having the conversation, simply delay it.
What to do: Stop coaching. Stop talking. Acknowledge the emotion, for example, “You seem upset,” or “I’m sensing this is very difficult for you.” Wait until they say, “Yes, that’s right.” If the other person feels understood, they’re more likely to receive what you have to say. If they still aren’t ready, suggest resuming the conversation after a small break, whether that break is five minutes or the next day. Promise the other that you’ll still have the conversation even though it’s temporarily delayed. This way, they won’t use emotion as a tactic to influence you.
3. When you haven’t prepared
It’s common for leaders to speak impulsively without preparation when it comes to difficult conversations about performance or behavior. The reason stems from not knowing how to prepare, not knowing how to articulate the problem, or not clearly knowing the desired outcome. Once the problem has escalated, many leaders simply decide to shoot from the hip, leaving the outcome to chance.
What to do: Get the facts first. See if you can write down the observed behavior. If you can’t, then you’re working off of feeling and assumption. Statements like “They aren’t engaged” are too general and based on interpretation. How does this behavior affect the organization? If you don’t know, then you haven’t connected their behavior to business results. If you can separate fact from feeling, you’re better prepared to have a purposeful conversation.
What not to do: Don’t engage the other person if you don’t clearly know what the situation is and what you need to change. Don’t act like their best friend by flattery or manipulation. Don’t forget to give clear action steps with a date for follow-up posted on the calendar.
There are many reasons leaders avoid important conversations: lack of skills, fear of emotions and uncertainty that their efforts will be supported. Numerous factors contribute to successful conversations about performance or behavior. Although conversations should not be avoided, there are strategic reasons to delay potentially conflictual conversations.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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